I just want to chase beauty in your name Lord
In the stealth of night
Fear creeps on me
The voices cackle
Breaking and entering in my thoughts
With a quivering spirit
Barely above a whisper
Is all it can say
And His spirit
Keeps me safe again
Wrapped in peace once again
Excerpt From: James Matthew Barrie. “The Little White Bird; or, Adventures in Kensington gardens.” iBooks.
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My sweet Jesus
To grieve at your feet
My heart’s sorrows
I give to you
What an honor it is
For you to hold my pain
Imagine writing about someone and all the simple things you wish to share with them, things no one else has an interest in sharing with you, but those simple things are so precious yet its lonely to carry them alone, but only one other person can make them a reality. Imagine writing a few well thought through letters to someone and praying on bent knees for their heart to be healed from all brokeness. Imagine a repeated prayer since before your birth, that simply states ” Guard him, guide him, build him, love him and set him apart for my daughter, I only ask that he loves you with all his heart, soul, and mind. That he loves you first, because then and only then will he know how to love her and treat her like the princess she is. Then imagine this prayer coming from a woman who although left before but now content with her current marriage never knew what it was like to experience this. To didn’t marry someone who knew how to love her because he knew perfect love first. A women who’s dreams were never cradled gently or given a place to blossom to continue growing a garden of impact but instead decided to bury them into a grave that was once filled with life.
Knowing and seeing all this throughout my life, last night I was broken down with fear and entrapped in a heavy blind cloud that no tears could clear away. I feared seeing him and watching him walk pass me to the arms of another, I feared not being everything they yearned for in a bride, and not being able to encourage them in the ways they always needed and being completely useless by their side. I feared compromising what I desired in a man and marrying someone who would lead me away from a blossomed garden to a grave to bury my dead dreams. I feared never meeting him or being destined to watch from a distance. I feared that instead of giving him all the letters for him I would have to burn them and give him a casted kiss of goodbye as the ashes turned to dust. I was gripped by fears, and so I did the only thing I knew I could do.
I fell to my knees in the dead of night and cried helplessly and began to pray. I confessed my fears that were continually pounding my mind for the last few days. I held tightly onto nothing realizing how long I had been scared of these circumstances and then he held me, he gripped me tightly in his warmth and peace and blanketed me in love and began to cast out everyone of those fears. He gently whispered, why worry when I have always been faithful to you and have already et him apart for you. With a mind filled not by fear but peace he led me to fiercely pray for my wonderful man, a man who would understand my dreams and I, I would be capable to understand his. A man who would delight in how easily I am enamored with songs and sceneries and the fantasy they take me to. I prayed for his heart, for the brokeness he’s experienced, for the attacks on it. For his thoughts and mind that they may bring him ease and not another temptation to battle. that he may be strengthened in his weariness and not give in and walk a faint path. I prayed for our marriage, that we may come as close as possible to representing the unity of Christ and his church. I prayed for our faithfulness to one another, for the hardships we would face together, that our hands would never let go of one another through them. I prayed that I would be his ezer kenegdo, I prayed for healing for all the times i would fail and strike him down with my tongue. I prayed for strength to never give up on him, and always be an encourager. I prayed for our children, that we could be everything to them our parents were not, and be everything that our parents did right. I prayed for the beginnings of our relationships, that our love may be proven through by not becoming a stumbling block for one another, and that we honor Christ in remaining pure. I prayed for all those would be touched by us working together for the kingdom, and for all those to be touched while each of us is single. I prayed that I cling to faith and wait for him with a still heart until God tells him, its time.
So I prayed, and tears gripped with fear then flowed with joy, thankfulness and adoration at how sweetly we are taken care of by a beautiful God. I don’t know your story but I can understand the heaviness that weighs down your heart in desperation for him, but aren’t the best things the ones most waited for?
I can lie and say that my head is in all the right places. That my thoughts don’t wonder to needless temptations, that my thoughts don’t wonder to him. To him, a boy, no never but that is a lie. It does and it has been pounded constantly with him and a struggle to keep him out, whoever he is. his absence has affected me in an unreasonable way and unacceptable manner, because ultimately I don’t need him. Yes, I want him in my life, I miss him, I pray for him and love him in the sense that I hope all is well for him right now. I know the living messiah who every morning calls me beautiful and each night with his creations says good night precious. I have all I need, I have Jesus, and yet l long for him to be in my life. I was so content being single, a familiar road of life but an unwanted desire began to grow. Now I’ve become fearful, fearful that the man I’ve asked God for and have waited for several years won’t choose me to partake in this journey called life. I am fearful that I will have to compromise dreams that I long to share with him, I am fearful that I will never become the woman he needs. I am fearful, and i should not be for i know perfect love, yet I’m witholding its power to cast out this senseless fear.
For He loves us, more than we could ever understand. If we are faithful and follow Him why would he fail to provide someone who would aid us in fulfilling our purpose in this life. Who has been sharing our dreams from a distance and is eager to see them occur. Truth is I have been fearful, truth is I’ve failed to trust Him who has always proven to be trustworthy, who has never failed me, not once,